BREATHE

Today I feel butterflies more than anything. I feel the stress building up in me. The up-coming marathon? Yes, but maybe not for the reasons you might think. I know I'm nervous about my added weight but that's not what's digging at me the most. I'm afraid.

The last 3 marathons I ran were so hard. You may have already read all the trials and tribulations as to why in my previous posts so I won't go through that, again. But, what I haven't discussed is what happened, exactly, and how it affected me.

With each of the 3 marathons in a row I got to between 18 and 20 miles just fine then absolutely crashed! I had to walk the last 6 miles or so, for the most part. I hit the wall in a major way. I will give my self a pass on that 3rd marathon since it was 3 weeks after my second one and 2 weeks after a half marathon. But, still, nonetheless, it affected my psyche more than me physically.

Physically these crashes were one of the most painful and uncomfortable things I've ever experienced. There was no option to give up and no option to not finish via getting swept. I cannot let that happen unless I pass out or I'm injured. I have never been swept yet and I really never want to be. What's that? It is when you are not meeting the minimum required pace by a certain distance. When that happens there is a vehicle that drives behind the runners at the minimum pace. When you cannot keep up with the minimum pace it comes and picks you up and takes you to the finish line. Usually that results in no medal either because you are not a finisher.

As I said, I have never experienced that but I truly thought I was going to get swept at my last marathon as it had a 6 hour time limit and my crash hit me a little earlier than the other 2 marathons before that. I felt my energy ZAP at mile 13!!! Mile 13! I was only half way! I was in sheer panic as I thought my Marathon Maniac status was in jeopardy and I had worked so very hard at it. I knew this was the only time I would ever attempt such a crazy feat. If I were to have gotten defeated I would not have pursued it again. But I managed to run my intervals till mile 17-18. It was sooo hard!

I crossed the finish line at 6:00:20! That is the slowest marathon I have ever run. All the others were between 5:19 and 5:47. Ok, "but you did it" you say, "what's the problem?" My psyche is seriously damaged right now. I lack confidence to the nth degree. I'm so afraid of crashing, again. It is sooo hard and it hurts sooo much, physically, to complete when that happens. If you have never experienced it there is no way to explain it to you. I think it's like trying to explain what it's like to give birth to someone who never has. How can you possibly explain the experience so they really know? You can't!

So, all I can say is that my self esteem is in the toilet and I'm really getting nervous. I know I said I wanted to try for a 5 hour finish time, and I do. But that would be the icing. Honestly, I don't care about the finish time. All I want out of this is to NOT crash. That's what I truly care about deep down.

I keep telling myself, "you have run 3 marathons and 3 half marathons since Oct 30 so you are trained up for it now. Your training runs have been pretty good, too. You've had 6 weeks to let your body recover since your last marathon and 3 weeks since your last half so that shouldn't be a factor." But I can't shake the nerves...

I need to just keep the social experience of being with my friends at the forefront. It is truly as much that as anything. It wouldn't be the same without them.

Breathe...